![]() We just scored and buddy is over there diving during the celebration. ![]() There’s still one feature that I particularly miss quite a lot. For anyone with knowledge of the sport or have dabbled in FIFA, PES, and even Football Manager, this is, without a doubt, a significant downgrade. It’s because of this freedom that I’m convinced youngsters would thrive. Hell, both the yellow and red cards have been systematically removed, which theoretically means snapping an opponent’s leg in two has zero repercussions. Basically, every technical facet is gone – offside and out-of-bounds aren’t in anyone’s vocabulary. The only disparity here is that every rule is gutted and streamlined for children to grasp it easily – tackling is dumbed down, shooting has become a button mash, and passing is as advertised but won’t include through balls. Now, a pivotal aspect of football titles is, in a shocking twist, the matches, and Soccer Story has those in abundance. Seeing as the potential is squandered so frivolously is immensely frustrating. The refusal to embrace the jolliness, which, given the lunacy of this concept, would have done wonders, is a misstep. It’s thanks to this conflict with itself that ends up hindering it. At one moment, it maintains a lighthearted vibe before suddenly trying to dive into heavier situations like a missing father – nothing too real, but it dips its toes. If that’s not enough, there seems to be confusion about the identity it desires to embody. While I stand by the general gist of what’s happening is simple to discern, it doesn’t negate the lack of cohesion with plot beats – how they’re introduced is akin to random outbursts – in other words, the pacing is scatter-brained. To reiterate, Soccer Story isn’t a worthwhile romp for adults, and as further proof of that statement, look only as far as the narrative. When I say things are broken, this is precisely what I mean. ![]() No, I didn’t cringe at that, but I did roll my eyes at how forcibly inserted it felt. You’ll then utter that Keanu Reeves quote, insisting that it’s them who are breathtaking. One example is an NPC that heaps an endless barrage of compliments. The jokes don’t fare any better, relying on old memes to deliver the chuckles. Whatever the case, one thing is certain: the literary quality is not spectacular. I’m not sure if time constraints influenced that, but I have suspicions. Instead of getting a handful of revisions, though, they left it. As I read, I’d liken it to a rough draft of a complete script written years prior. I wouldn’t say it’s entirely unfunny, but it’s a bit dated. In fact, the perfect encapsulation of that is in the woeful sense of humour. Plain and simple, Panic Barn isn’t too interested in the storytelling side. At this moment, I realized that this title targets kids, thanks to an overly simplistic approach. From the beginning, it’s evident the desire is to scroll past the dialogue quickly. While yes, there are glimmers of charismatic energy sporadically sprinkled in, the characters are mainly devoid of personality. See, a key ingredient for nailing that whimsical atmosphere is to inject it with a serum of charm. For starters, consider the banter: it comes off as highly manufactured – there’s no flow. My big gripe is how hot and cold it is – and by cold, I mean downright frigid, to the point of being frostbitten. Of course, don’t expect the plot to leave you pondering life’s true meaning by the credits, but it’ll provide something tangible to chew. The core premise of the journey is steeped in silliness, with Futbol being banned from the ironically named Soccertown.
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